Woman Comes Out as Abrosexual After 30-Year Journey — A Story of Identity, Evolution, and Self-Acceptance
For most of her life, Andrea Lewis didn’t have a word for the way she felt. Growing up in a conservative suburb of Des Moines in the 1980s, she knew that her feelings didn’t fit neatly into the categories of “straight” or “gay.” She fell in love easily, but not predictably. One year, she was drawn to men. Then to women. Then neither. Sometimes both. Sometimes no one at all.
It wasn’t a phase — but it wasn’t fixed either.
It was only recently, at age 46, that Andrea found the word that finally fit: abrosexual.
What Is Abrosexuality?
Abrosexuality is a term that describes someone whose sexual attraction shifts or changes over time. This can include changes in:
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The gender(s) someone is attracted to
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The intensity of their sexual attraction
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Their interest in sexual or romantic relationships altogether
These shifts can occur over days, months, or years. It’s not the same as being confused or indecisive — it’s simply fluid.
For Andrea, discovering the term felt like stumbling into sunlight after decades in fog.
“It was like finding a map that finally had me on it,” she says.
The Early Years: Labels That Didn’t Fit
Andrea first felt different at 13. She had a crush on a boy in her class, but also felt a strange fascination — maybe attraction — toward her best friend, Megan.
She didn’t tell anyone.
Throughout high school, she dated boys and told herself she was “just curious” about girls. In college, she fell deeply in love with a woman for the first time. But two years later, she found herself no longer attracted to her — or to any woman — and started seeing a man she eventually married.
“I thought I was bisexual, but then I’d go long periods where I wasn’t attracted to anyone at all. Then suddenly, I’d be obsessed with someone totally different. I started to think I was just broken.”
For years, Andrea bounced between relationships, always questioning herself, never feeling “queer enough” for the LGBTQ+ community or “normal enough” for the straight world.
Marriage, Motherhood, and Silent Struggles
Andrea married her husband, Mark, at 29. They had two children and a quiet, suburban life. But inside, Andrea says she always felt like she was hiding a part of herself — even though she didn’t know what that part was.
“Mark knew I’d had relationships with women before him. But I don’t think he ever realized how much I wrestled with not knowing who I was on a deep level.”
As her kids grew older and her marriage cooled into routine, Andrea began exploring LGBTQ+ forums and social media spaces — not to find a label, but to feel less alone. That’s when she came across a post describing abrosexuality.
“It was like someone had reached into my brain and explained it better than I ever could.”
Coming Out — At 46
Andrea officially came out as abrosexual on her personal blog in June during Pride Month. The post went semi-viral, shared thousands of times and prompting hundreds of messages — some critical, but many grateful.
“You helped me name myself,” one 19-year-old wrote.
“I didn’t even know this was a thing — thank you for existing,” wrote another.
Coming out publicly wasn’t easy. Andrea knew some family members wouldn’t understand. A few didn’t.
“My sister said, ‘So you just change who you’re attracted to whenever you want?’ I had to explain — no, I don’t choose it. That’s the point. It just… changes.”
But Andrea says the support has far outweighed the backlash. Her children, now teenagers, were among her biggest cheerleaders.
“My daughter hugged me and said, ‘Mom, that’s kinda badass.’ And honestly, that made everything worth it.”
What Life Looks Like Now
Today, Andrea is still married to Mark — though their relationship has evolved into something more open and communicative. They’ve begun therapy together, not to “fix” anything, but to navigate a reality where Andrea no longer feels like she has to hide.
“We’re learning how to make space for all parts of me, not just the ones that feel comfortable.”
Andrea now speaks at LGBTQ+ events and has launched a YouTube channel aimed at helping older queer adults find the language they were never given growing up.
She calls her community “the unlabeled generation.”
Breaking Down Misconceptions
Abrosexuality is still widely misunderstood, even within LGBTQ+ circles. Some dismiss it as “fake” or “attention-seeking,” while others confuse it with indecision or promiscuity.
Andrea is working to change that.
“People think if your attraction changes, you’re being flaky or dishonest. But you can’t control what your body and heart respond to. You just learn to move with the tide, not against it.”
She also emphasizes that abrosexuality doesn’t always mean being polyamorous or constantly dating. For some people, like Andrea, it can exist quietly within committed relationships, or even during years of celibacy.
A Final Word to Anyone Still Searching
Andrea says the biggest lesson from her 30-year journey is this: You are allowed to evolve.
“There’s no age limit on self-discovery. No expiration date on honesty. If you’re still figuring out who you are — or if your identity doesn’t stay still — that doesn’t make you confused. That makes you human.”
Her advice to others?
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Stay curious.
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Give yourself grace.
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Don’t rush to label yourself if none fit — and don’t be afraid to change labels if one stops fitting.
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And above all, know that you’re not alone.
“It took me three decades to find the word abrosexual, but when I did, it felt like coming home.”
