Subject: Re: Divorce Papers
Dear John,
I received your letter, and I must say, it made for an interesting read—right up there with the absurdity of reality TV and the heartbreak of a Shakespearean tragedy. You want a divorce? Fine. But since you’ve decided to serve me with this news in such a formal, detached manner, allow me to respond in kind.
First, I must thank you. Truly, I mean it. This letter has been the most honest thing you’ve given me in years. More honest than your “late nights at work,” more honest than your “just a friend” text messages, and certainly more honest than the lies you told yourself about who you really are.
You say you “never felt truly happy” in our marriage? That’s fascinating, considering you seemed quite content when I was managing your life—cooking, cleaning, keeping your world running smoothly while you went off gallivanting with your so-called colleagues. Happiness is subjective, dear, and I sincerely hope you find yours… preferably far, far away from me.
Now, let’s talk logistics.
You mentioned the house. You’d like me to vacate it? Darling, I suggest you review our financial records. That house? My name is on the deed. And let’s not forget who covered the down payment when your “investment” in cryptocurrency tanked. If anyone’s leaving, I’ll let you take a wild guess.
As for our shared assets, I took the liberty of reviewing them—since, as you well know, I’ve always been the one handling the finances while you played businessman. You’ll be pleased to know that our accounts will be split fairly. Of course, “fairly” means I’ll be securing the savings, as I was the only one who consistently contributed to them. Don’t worry, though—I’ll leave you with enough for a fresh start. A suitcase should be sufficient.
And let’s address the woman you so graciously left unnamed. I assume she’s the one who’s been “liking” all your social media posts at suspiciously convenient times? The one who “accidentally” sent me a friend request last month? The one whose perfume I smelled on your shirt when you came home late, grinning like a fool? No worries, darling—I wish you both well. Just a little advice: She might adore your charming “bad boy” act now, but let’s see how she feels when she’s the one cleaning up your messes.
Lastly, let me assure you—this divorce won’t break me. On the contrary, it’s the best gift you’ve ever given me. Because now, I get to live without the weight of your mediocrity holding me back. I get to reclaim the years I wasted on someone who never truly deserved me. And most importantly? I get to be free.
